5 Love Languages
Love, a concept that permeates our society yet remains incredibly elusive. Experiencing love, affection, and belonging is a fundamental requirement in healthy childhood development. As we grow older, the same demand follows us into adulthood. Though we all share the same need, a common misconception is that we all give and receive love the same way. As individuals, the way we express love can differ. Conflict can often arise from a lack of understanding of our partner’s (and even friends’ and family’s) love languages. Frustration develops when we feel we are expressing love, but it does not meet the other’s needs the way we might have expected. We may be giving love the way we experience it, but not the way they experience it.
Dr. Gary Chapman used his experiences in working with couples to outline five general ways that partners express and experience love, coining the term “love languages.” According to Chapman, we all have a primary love language.
The 5 Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation
Individuals with this primary love language best receive love through verbal compliments and encouraging words. We all need reassurance and affirmations; through this love language, we can let our partners know that we understand them, see them, and appreciate them.
Examples:
Regularly saying, “I love you.”
Stating what you admire/love about them.
Highlight their areas of strength, alone and in front of others.
Expressing gratitude when they do something for you, “That was kind of you,” or “Thank you for being there for me.”
Quality Time
Quality time means giving your undivided attention. It does not refer to sitting on the couch watching TV, as in that instance, attention is on the TV rather than on each other. Quality time provides the chance to be fully present, giving yourself fully and freely to your partner. It is the chance to communicate without distractions, making your partner the focus and priority. Quality time involves quality conversation, which Chapman describes as “sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.”
Examples:
Putting away all devices to sit and talk.
Going for a walk.
Going to dinner or cooking together.
Making plans for the future.
Creating something or engaging in an activity of interest together.
Receiving gifts
Gift giving is a fundamental expression of love that permeates most cultures. The gift itself serves as a visual symbol; it is a token of our love for someone. It says, “I was thinking of you.” The object’s monetary value is not of importance, but rather the thought that was behind it. Individuals with this primary love language prefer visual symbols that demonstrate thoughtfulness and effort. Those with a spending orientation won’t have trouble with gift-giving, but those who have a saving perspective might struggle with spending money as an expression of love. If those individuals find themselves in a relationship with someone who’s primary love language is receiving gifts, a shift in perspective is needed. According to Chapman, the money spent is an investment in yourself and your relationship.
Examples:
Surprising your partner with a gift that they’ve been wanting.
Creating something such as a scrapbook or a card.
Giving flowers or other tokens that symbolize the relationship.
Acts of Service
Acts of service refer to doing things that you know your partner wants you to do. It involves taking on a task to ease the burden on your loved one. It can also refer to engaging in an activity that you may not particularly enjoy to make your partner happy. For those with this primary love language, “actions speak louder than words.”
Examples:
Asking your partner how you can help with a project they are working on.
Running errands for them when they are busy.
Doing chores around the house.
Fixing something that’s been broken.
Physical Touch
Physical touch is a well-known method of showing affection. The healing power of physical contact has been studied in babies and even in adults. The body has tactile receptors all throughout the body; these receptors, when touched or pressed, carry impulses to the brain. The brain then interprets the signals as pain or pleasure. Touch can communicate love or hate. When we embrace someone that’s crying, we’re communicating, “I’m here for you. I care.” A person with physical touch as their primary love language would need a comforting embrace over comforting words in order to truly feel loved.
Examples:
Giving a brief kiss or hug when saying hello/goodbye.
Holding hands while walking or sitting together
Putting your arm around each other or simply placing a hand on your partner’s shoulder.
People fail to realize that it is when the honeymoon stage ends that the reality of the relationship starts. It is then that the relationship needs the most attention, care, and effort to survive. The key to any successful relationship is cultivating a deep understanding of one another and our respective needs and desires. When we identify our love language and that of our partners, we can deliver and receive love more effectively.